


Listen to me (I’m telling you everything)

by Iaminfactlarry



Category: Queer As Folk - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brian Kinney shows his heart, F/F, Justin is depressed, Justin needs a hug, M/M, OOC, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Tw; suicidal ideation, Wrote this because I needed to get it out of my head, angst with happy ending, mentions of post traumatic stress disorder, somewhat AU, tw; almost suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 20:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18350864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iaminfactlarry/pseuds/Iaminfactlarry
Summary: Justin should’ve been okay. He got out of the hospital, he was living with Brian, his support system was amazing, so why did everything feel so empty?





	Listen to me (I’m telling you everything)

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon but also pretty out of character. I will also want to note that it’s about a very sensitive topic so please don’t read if depression and the things that comes with it trigger you. Stay safe!

_I’m_ _sorry_

 

 _I’m_ _sorry_

 

 _I’m_ sorry

 

 

 

Justin should’ve been okay. He got out of the hospital, he was living with Brian, his support system was amazing, so why did everything feel so empty?

 

He knew it was the bashing. Even after being kicked out of his home he still managed to see the beauty in the world. Now? He wakes up, face against Brian’s chest in a way that was cuddling and in a way that Justin felt suffocated.

 

The boy realized the pain that his older lover had went through. He knew that Brian was in love. He also knew that when the man thinks that he’s sleeping, he cries.

 

Once, Justin found a paper with a diagnosis. It said that Brian A. Kinney shows signs of post traumatic stress disorder, and should go to therapy along with take medication.

 

Justin said nothing about it.

 

Instead, he put it away and decided that he would hide all his emotions. Or his lack thereof.

 

Brian seemed to be able to breathe when Justin laughed and the boy was praying that for once, Brian will Read Justin. That Brian will notice the fake laughter and forced out wit. That Brian will hear what he isn’t saying.

 

There are moments when Justin wants to give up. He’s caused so much pain and heartache that is irreparable. Everything is grey and cold and everything is nothing.

 

Brian was the only person that made him work hard, but one day it wasn’t enough. When he woke up, he was pressed up against Brian, arms wrapped around him and one hand was curled in his hair. He stayed there, feeling everything and a thought invaded his head ‘This _is_ _the_ _last_ _time_ _I’ll_ _feel_ _this_ ’ and for some reason, he was comforted. He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.

 

They got up and took a shower and did other activities, and after getting dressed, Justin looked up at his lover and smiled.

 

“Brian?” The boys voice made the man grin. He looked up and raised his eyebrow in question. “I just... I love you. Thank you. For everything.”

 

Brian was confused for a second and got worried the next. The way the blond was speaking sounded like he was saying goodbye.

 

“Sunshine, are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine Brian. Let’s go to the diner. I’m in the mood for pancakes.”

 

That didn’t settle the fear in Brian’s gut. He knew something was wrong. Something was so very wrong.

 

He said nothing of the matter

 

 

 

The diner was quiet that day. The boys were already waiting for their orders when they walked in.

 

After he sat down and ordered, Justin raised his head high and everyone looked at him. “Um... okay. So, I just really wanted to thank each and every one of you guys. After everything... you’ve supported me- us. And I love you all so much..”

 

This little speech caused Brian to worry even more but he just held Justins hand tighter.

 

Ted, Emmett, and Michael were confused but it seemed as though Justin was okay so they all just smiled and said that the boy was family.

 

Debbie pulled Justin up and into her arms for a hug, “Sunshine, you are family. We love you.”

 

When he sat down and Brian’s hand went back to his place in Justin’s, the brunette noticed a wistful expression settle upon the teens face.

 

Brian squeezed his hand and went to eating.

 

 

They decided to visit Gus, Justin said he missed him. So they called the Peterson-Marcus house and checked if they could.

 

They could, and Justin smiled so brightly that Brian forgot about his concerns for a minute.

 

When they arrived, Lindsay and Melanie hugged the boy and Brian and ushered them inside.

 

“Jus!” The little boy had started walking but was still shaky so Justin ran to the boy and swooped him up.

 

“Hey little dude!” He held him on his left side and Brian smiled at the scene.

 

The delighted squeals of his son being tickled made the man walk over and ruffle his little hair.

 

“Daddy!!” The toddler laughed and the girls observed. They loved Justin and were surprised just how much Brian cared about Gus.

 

“I need to take a piss.” The man said after a while of talking about art.

 

When he was gone, Justin looked at the women sitting next to him and the boy on the floor, shaking his head, he knew this was his last day.

 

“Mel, Lindz, thank you.”

 

“What for baby?”

 

“For letting me be apart of your sons life. For supporting me. For being there. For everything.”

 

The lesbians looked at Justin and for a moment, they heard the boy say goodbye.

 

They hugged him and when Brian came back, they were talking about music.

 

 

“Brian, the swing set is a bit off... can you go out there with me and help fix it?” Lindsay looked at Brian with a stern face and the man knew that he could say no.

 

He nodded and went with her to the back, leaving Melanie and Justin to talk about laws.

 

“Has Justin been acting weird?” The blonde asked softly, hand on the mans shoulder.

 

“Weird?”

 

“He was thanking us for letting him be apart of Gus’ life.”

 

Brian’s face twisted in fear but he quickly schooled the emotion, “Yeah, he’s been thanking everyone today. I think he’s healing.” _I_ _hope_ _he’s_ _healing_ , Brian thought.

 

Lindsay’s eyes softened and she looked down, scared of what she was gonna say and how her best friend would react.

 

“Brian, keep an eye on him. Don’t leave him alone. Please. I think he...” she paused and stared at Brian, trying to gauge his reactions, “I think-“ _god_ _this_ _is_ _hard_ _to_ _even_ _imply_ , “Lindz? What?”

 

“I think he might be thinking about- shit Brian-I think he might be thinking about suicide.”

 

The brunettes eyes widened in horror and Lindsay knew that this wasn’t going to be easy to think of. “What the fuck are you talking about.” His eyes narrowed and teeth were worrying his bottom lip.

 

“He’s saying thanks, like he’s saying a farewell. He’s laughing and smiling,” she explained quietly, “sometimes... when someone has been depressed for a period of time, they become tired. Sometimes, their mind comes with an awful solution. It seems like it’s temporary, like it’s a nap, but it’s not. Once their mind has found this, they become calm and relaxed because ‘finally they have a way.’”

 

Brian didn’t know how to take this information, he nodded and all he could think about was the baseball bat and the blood and Chris Hobbs.

 

He felt warm hands on his face and was forced to face the blonde.

 

“Brian, you need to watch him. Tell his mom. Tell Deb. We need to make sure he’s safe.”

 

Brian nodded and she hugged him.

 

 

 

They left and it was almost dark out when they arrived at the loft.

 

Brian kept his eye on the boy the entire time. When Justin was saying goodbye to Gus, he hugged him so tightly and so long and whispered something in his ear that made the little boy nod in agreement. No one heard him tell Gus to take care of his daddy and mommies.

 

They didn’t want to go out so they got undressed and into their lounging wear when Michael called, ‘ _Brian_ I _need_ your help! A guy asked me out! _Come_ _over_!’

 

Justin heard and urged his lover to go help. Brian couldn’t stop thinking about what Lindsay said, but with a long and hard kiss and a promise of ‘ _You’ll_ _see_ _me_ _later_.’ He nodded and left.

 

Once he was out of the complex though, he called Daphne, told her what’s going on and that he needed her to call the loft in about five minutes and talk about anything, ‘ _Just_ _make_ _sure_ _he_ _knows_ _you’re_ _there_ _for_ _him_ ’ he said.

 

He got in his Jeep and prayed -which has become a constant- that he was overreacting and Justin was going to be okay.

 

 

The teen sighed when the loft door closed and he walked to Brian’s desk, grabbed a pen and paper, and started writing.

 

The note itself was a thank you note and a sorry note. Goodbye wasn’t written, only a ‘ _See_ _you_ _later_ ’ and a lot of ‘I _love_ _you’s_ and ‘ _I’ll_ _miss_ _you’s_.

 

He couldn’t call his mom because he knew that it would be too hard.

 

It was time.

 

 

Daphne had a timer on for five minutes. She didn’t know if Brian was being a drama queen or if he was being serious, but his tone of voice was leading her to think the latter.

 

Her hands were shaking and Justin’s number was ready to go in a press of a button.

 

She waited for the timer to go off.

 

 

Brian was jumpy the whole visit but michael didn’t realize, all too focused on his hot date with a professor.

 

He was posing different outfits and Brian was playing along, but his mind was on Justin.

 

He needed to tell Justin how he felt when he got back home. He wouldn’t let the blond, his sunshine, think that Brian didn’t love him.

 

Brian got even more jumpy

 

 

While four minutes had gone by, Justin was finally sitting on the bed, staring at his hand full of Tylenol, just looking.

 

His eyes teared up and he raised the hand to his mouth, when the phone started ringing.

 

He paused and lowered his hand, waiting for the phone to go to voicemail.

 

“Justin?” His best friends voice shattered the illusion. He was just going to make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

“Justin? Are you there? Well, I need to talk to you! The craziest thing happened today!”

 

He went to the restroom in a rush and flushed the medicine down the toilet and ran to the phone.

 

“Hey Daph.” He greeted in a soft manner, tears still streaming down his face.

 

“Justin! Oh my god, it’s so good to hear your voice!” She gushed and then paused, breathing stilled, “Jus? Are you okay?” Her voice was cautious and the boy knew that he couldn’t lie.

 

“No, I’m not okay Daph. You just stopped me from making a huge mistake.” He sobbed and Daphne knew then that Brian had been right.

 

“Justin, do you want me to come over?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Tears were falling down both of their faces and the girl got in her car and drove to the loft. Ending the call only when she was inside the loft.

 

She hugged Justin and didn’t let go. Even when they fell on the couch.

 

 

Brian got home and ran up the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. He didn’t know if he was right. Daphne didn’t call him back. He didn’t want to think about the negative but that was all he could think about.

 

Just before opening the door, he heard soft giggles and his heart ached. _Justin_ _was_ _okay_.

 

The sight when he opened the door was so comfortable, so calming, that he almost cried.

 

Justin was in Daphne’s arms, head on her shoulder, and hands in his hair. She was talking about how much she loved him and how much everyone loved him.

 

Justin hesitated to look up but when he did, all he saw was love.

 

Brian walked over to the couch and draped his body over Justin, head on his back and wrapped his arms around him. He put one hand on top of the girl’s and rubbed softly.

 

“I love you.” He whispered and pulled Justin close, “Sunshine, I love you.”

 

Justin broke down, sadness and relief and happiness all equal in his heart.

 

 

Daphne stayed the night. She fell asleep first and Brian easily picked her up and tucked her in on his side of the bed.

 

Justin was playing with his hands when Brian got back to the couch. He sat right next to the blond and pulled him into a soft kiss.

 

“Brian, I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.”

 

“I was gonna kil-“

 

“I know.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I left and called Daph, told her what I thought you were gonna do and asked her to call you.”

 

Justin nodded and looked down, “How’d you know?” He wanted to know, because if Brian hadn’t figured it out, he wouldn’t be here.

 

“Lindsay. After you said thank you to her, she became weary. The swing set was fine, she just needed to talk to me. I was worried before her telling me,” the man said, brushing his hands over Justin’s face, “you were thanking everyone... you sounded like you were saying goodbye.”

 

Justin nodded and rested his head on the older mans chest, “I’m glad you guys noticed.”

 

Brian smiled sadly and sat up, “Justin, I’ve been going to therapy... I think we should go together.”

 

“I know you go to therapy.”

 

“You do?”

 

“I saw a paper. I agree with you,” Justin sat up and took Brian’s hand in his, “I need to see someone. I need to heal.”

 

Brian nodded and pulled the boy up and to the bed. Daphne was out cold and the men quietly took off their pants and got into bed, Justin in the middle.

 

Daphne rolled over and draped her arm around Justin and snuggled into the crook of his neck. Brian did the same on the other side.

 

“I love you sunshine.”

 

“I love you too”

 

“Love you doofus.” Daphne murmured in her sleep and Justin giggled, “Love you too dummy.”

 

“N ‘ove you Bri.” She whispered and subconsciously reached to put her hand on top of the mans.

 

Brian’s heart filled. “Love you too Daph.”

 

 

The next day, they woke up intertwined, Brian grumbled out a “Morning.” and kissed Justin and daphne on the cheek. The teens giggled and got up to make some coffee while Brian checked his emails.

 

 

Justin should’ve been okay. He got out of the hospital, he was living with Brian, and he has an amazing support system. Justin wasn’t okay. Some days still felt cold. Some days, everything felt like nothing. Despite that fact, he is still living. He is a survivor. He is healing.

 

_He is okay._


End file.
